So we have been talking about a lot of things lately (I know, surely we must be bored of all this communicating) about porn and wanking and fantasies. All of this led to this post that has been brewing in my head (my thoughts often need to percolate) for a while. What I want to talk about is when our fantasies and desires don’t mesh.
We are all different people and we all want what we want. Many of us find a partner where the overlap is greater than the areas that don’t match, but no match is perfect. So what do you do when your partner has desires that you don’t share?
Molly wrote a post about her fantasies earlier this year Filthy kind of girl that details some of the things that turn her on and while we do have a great deal of overlap there are some that don’t work for me at all. But that is perfectly okay, because that is what fantasies are for. They are a place to explore these thoughts safely without fear of consequence. We try them on for size in our head and find out if they work. We might have seen them in a porn video or read about them on a blog and sometimes they just leap into our thoughts like a gift from the sex fairy. But those thoughts can make us uncomfortable, I shouldn’t like this, we think. This is dirty, bad, wrong, illegal and we shame ourselves. So we keep them hidden. We often hide those fantasies from our partners for fear of what they might think of us. That can even extend to those intimate moments when we are exploring with each other. Sometimes I will tell Molly to find and watch some porn she likes and I noticed that when I was watching as well she would often reject clips that I knew spoke to her kinks. Not that I think it was a conscious choice but she did it all the same. We were talking about it last night and she realized that I was right.
I am not upset with her, that would be ridiculous, but I was disappointed that even subconsciously she felt she needed to hide her proclivities because of my presence.* I don’t want that. Molly likes the thought of being with other men (no, probably not you) and having MMF or more. Maybe even having a Poly relationship while I find these things difficult (and not just a little difficult) even though we have been monogamish (favoring my proclivites) in the past.
So what do you do when your partner has fantasies that you don’t share, or maybe even turns you off?
I will often describe scenarios that I know will get her excited. Being used by me and that others are watching and waiting to take their turn. Sharing her with another man and many others along those lines.
I have managed to find a way to enjoy that she is turned on and that works for me. That the words that I am saying is like reading her a story. Like listening to audio porn.
So our Venn diagram is not a complete overlap, but I am not sure that there is anyone who matches completely. What matters is what we are willing to do to bring our partner not just sexual satisfaction, but to help them realize the desires that they have.
It is important to me that Molly knows that I need to know just what she wants, just as I need her to know what I want so that nothing is hidden. Because how can we push our circles closer together if we don’t know where the edges are? I certainly don’t want to find ourselves in a place where we start to resent each other over unexpressed needs, so the only thing to do is, talk, and talk, and talk. Even if those talks are painful, and even if that leads us to very different Venn diagram.
Because I know if I don’t try, I won’t have been the best version of me that I can be for her.
P.S. My other title for this post was “Venn a Man Loves a Woman”
*Note from Molly. I really was unaware that I was doing this. It was not a conscious choice but when he pointed it out to me I think he is right. It is not all the time and sometimes I do it because I know he is watching and so I want to find something that will get us both off but there are also times when I am looking for just myself and I have chosen to skip over something that I think might not be his thing if he is there. I am not even really sure why, maybe somewhere in my head I am trying to protect him and maybe he is right, maybe no matter what we do there is still a slight subconscious fear that something we like will turn off our partner so much that it will effect how they feel about us.