As is often the case twitter has prompted me for today’s post.
I really want someone to explain to me what a fake dominant or a fake sub is. Once and for all.
Now I am not sure I can provided a definitive answer but I can certainly (and this will surprise very few people) offer an opinion.
I do want to start off with a caveat. I am not the keeper and knower of all things D/s and as far as I am concerned whatever you define as D/s between you and your partner is D/s and anyone who tries to tell you that your are doing it wrong (even me) can just go and hump a llama. Please don’t actually hump llamas as they cannot consent.
I am going to talk about what I think mostly from the Dom male perspective since that is my own personal point of view. Dominance is so many things to so many people that a clear and final definition is mostly impossible. I can tell you a few things it is not. It is not abuse, if you don’t have clear consent from your partner in all the things that you do then you are not being Dominant you are being abusive. Domineering does not equal dominant. Just ordering your partner around because you want someone to wait on you (unless you have arranged that beforehand) is just being an ass. Discovering kink and thinking, wow, this is amazing I just say I am a Dom and in charge and women will flock to me and cater to my every sexual whim. Why haven’t I always been doing this? None of this is Dominance to me, it is just self centered opportunism.
The sub side is a bit tougher but the wonderful @pandorablake had a suggestion.
“Please Mistress, I am sub and would like to serve you in anyway you desire. As long as you Domme me in these exact and precise ways”
While the submissive always retains the power to stop any scene with their safeword you might not really understand what submitting to another actually means. There certainly should be discussion of limits and need and preferences but once those are done, other than using your safeword you are turning over the power to your Dominant, not sending back a dish you ordered because it isn’t exactly what you thought you wanted. Afterwards if it didn’t work for you then you should say so and why, but listen as much as you talk.
There are as many version of D/s as their are grains of sand on a beach and my version is by no means the only “right” version. But I shall now try to encapsulate what it means to me (man this could go horribly awry).
I make the final decisions in all areas that we have agreed upon. She belongs to me in all ways that we have consented too. We are equals who have negotiated a relationship of inequality. She consents to the play that I decided upon and will use her safeword if things get to much. Her body is mine to use as I see fit. I will help her be the best person that she can be. We will work to build a life together, constantly communicating our changing needs and desires. We will take care of each other.
I will leave you with the words that I said the day that we married.
With this ring in the presence of our families and friends, I claim you, you belong to me, I offer my life for you, and I give to you my protection,
My allegiance, my heart, my soul & my body. I take into my keeping the same that is yours.
Your life, happiness and welfare will be cherished and placed above my own for all time.
You are my life mate, bound to me for all eternity and always in my care.
P.S. After I read this to her she called me a shithead and said “You didn’t say this would be a crying post.”