This is an umm, adaptation, yeah that’s the word I’ll use of a Cosmo sex tips article. I am not going to link it, I am sure if you really want you can find it. A word of warning, I have a very askew sense of humor, it is highly likely only I will find this funny (Molly only chuckled mildly) but really, if it amuses me that is all that really matters.
9 ½ Signs You’re Not Sexually Compatible
There are folks who are only together to bump uglies. They really don’t like each other at all but the sex makes the rest of their time together bearable. But no one really wants that, we are all looking for that one true love, and relationships are hard, be they a solo relationship or a Poly group in the thousands.
Now that we have dealt with the folks that know how to do it right let’s fix the issues with the rest of you losers.
- Your sex rarely causes spontaneous combustion. You have lost the spark. You never burst into flames and burn down the building at the mere sight of each other anymore. Remember that heat?
- You have absolutely zero sex positions that your chiropractor will allow. Essentially, at any given time during sex, one of you is in danger of shattering your ulna. You’re just doing it for your fitbit.
- You can never, ever get a rhythm going. Any time you start getting into it, the beat drops all wrong and you remember that you can’t dance, and if you can’t dance then how can you fuck? And then the moment is ruined.
- One of you gets hot reading zoning laws. And it’s painfully obvious. “On no, I was just getting into it,” you clumsily say. But you weren’t. You were reading the proper clearance for a public right of way.
- You tend to have sex with the Washing Machine on. You don’t want to say anything, but you suspect your partner doesn’t mind the washer on because they’re also mesmerized by it.
- You really only ever have sex on holidays and birthdays. And it is not even your birthdays or national holidays. It’s Grover Cleveland’s birthday and Groundhogs day.
- You’re never horny at the same time. Ever. When you’re horny, your partner is “angry” and you both end up hangry.
- You wind up finishing yourself off. Not just occasionally, always. It’s totally fine if you just can’t get there every time, but you’re tired of having using a handgun to make it stop.
- Your pillow shams feel totally mismatched. If he wants to change them 6 times a week, and you’re genuinely comfortable at 1 or 2, this is bound to lead to both of you getting frustrated that your sham needs aren’t matching up.
9 1/2. Your friend told you she always orgasms with her…