Today I married her.
She said over and over again in the two years we were apart that she never wanted to marry again. The long years of her first marriage had made her distrust the entanglements that kind of commitment brought. I understood why. I knew that it brings outside forces into play that can make you to stay in a relationship you no longer want to be in. They lock you into something because it is so damn expensive and stressful to leave that you end up deciding to just make the best of it and suffer through even though your heart isn’t in it anymore.
The life we have is not the one she imagined when in spite of all the hurdles, legal, financial, societal, and familial she set herself free from her marriage. She imagined a life of lovers, companions, and casual encounters. Free to do what she chose with whom she chose after many years of having no choice at all. After all, when we met she told me that she didn’t believe in (romantic) love. That love was a fiction that was just a useful tool to make you conform to the expectations of the world. Go to school, find a man, get married, have children, buy a house, make the dinner, go on safe holidays, and do that until you were old and grey and living in the same house until you passed from the world. And if you look around you that is how most people live their lives, partnered with someone that spent most of their time at work while you spent most of your time tending to the children. Her parents did that, and she was expected to do the same. How does that show love as anything but bait for the trap?
She told me all of these things as our connection and relationship grew online. I told her my experience with love and how that while I could agree that love has been cruelly used in the way she described that for me, love was, when kept apart from societal expectations an amazing thing. That it had given me some of the ultimate moments in my life when I had been shown, or given unconditional love. She must have seen something in the way I described it that touched her. Because on a cold winters evening near the close of the year she typed the words “I love you” into the tiny text box where we shared our naked souls.
Yes, she said it first. This woman that I had never met in person, who had spent her life believing that at best those words were a trap had read the words I had written and been moved enough by them to change her mind. And not only change her mind, but to tell me how she felt. How brave was that? Life up until this point had shown her that she was right, but somehow while we typed to each other she had found something she never had before.
Seeing those words from her took me aback and frankly I didn’t do very well. What I should have done was typed back “I love you too” because I did love her, but there were so many obstacles between us that I tried to suppress how I felt because where could this go? She was courageous and I was cowardly. I should have been better, but even in the face of my equivocation she persisted. I will always be grateful that she did. Eventually I managed to stop being a fool and tell her how I felt as well and that began our journey to being here, together. I won’t rehash that story now because we tell it all of the time.
The real point is that she chose (for reasons mostly having to do with immigration) to give up many things to get us to where we are today and I don’t tell her enough how much it means that she did that for me, for us.
She has given up so much for us to be us. Her dream of a sexually free and adventurous life with others, a life not bound by anyone’s foibles’ or issues or restrictions, a life of independence to do as she damn well pleases and damn what anyone else thinks. That is just one example, there are many others.
Due to circumstance we aren’t going to be doing any of the things I wish I could do today. There won’t be an exchange of expensive gifts or a fancy dinner out or a surprise trip to someplace she can bask in the warmth that is her natural element. We will spend our day doing all the things we need to do to keep life rolling forward. But we will do that together, because she is the one that was brave and courageous and said those words.
And even more than saying the words, she took action and made a choice much more important than me marrying her.
She chose to marry me.
So while the house is dark and quiet and it is just me sitting here in our front room, in a town she never wanted to live in, in a country that is never warm enough to suit her. I hope she never comes to regret her choice because the thing that matters to me more than anything else in the world is her happiness, and I know that while my actions may not always reflect that, I do my damnedest each and every day to work towards the goal of making her life better. She has made my life better that any words or gifts could ever say.
My love, Slutmine, Mrs. Wife, Mrs. Tinkle,
You truly are my heart.