A friend said to me “I hope you’re proud of yourself”
It is a facet of my personality and frankly part of my dominance. I constantly question my actions and decisions. Did I do the right thing? Was there a better way? I have always thought that complete confidence is a trap for the unwary. That even things that seem to have gone well can stand a closer look.
It may often seem that I haven’t given something a great deal of thought, but you would be wrong. I spend far to much time questioning almost everything I do and think. My liberal political stance, constantly under evaluation. My relationships, they need looking at too. Everything is fair game for making sure that I haven’t fallen into the trap of absolutism. Things change, people change and all those thing you knew for certain might not be true anymore. It can be a bit tiring but it is absolutely necessary. For if you believe with absolute certainty that you are always right in all things, something will come along that will knock you flat on your ass when you least expect it.
So yeah, even my controversial opinions, which to be honest if you actually talked to me about them you might be surprised how little we disagree, but I am not going to defend my choices, my lifestyle and my opinions to those who will not spend even a moment doubting themselves and feel free to criticize without knowing anything about me.
Even this post (and all the others I have written on this site are subjected to that very same scrutiny. I will read them over and cringe and think about changing them or even deleting them because my stance or opinion has changed. I generally don’t (other than fix typos or terrible grammar) because the stand as a guidepost to where I was at the moment in time, but if I do feel strongly enough that things have changed I will start writing an update to that post, which is part of the reason why I have 25 posts in draft in spite of the fact that I rarely update this blog.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not going to fall into the opposite trap either, the one of perpetual navel gazing because it is far to easy to put off doing anything because it might be wrong. Doing that means you will never take a stand and I could never manage that. So as unpopular as some of my stances are on some topics I am going to take them. Until someone can explain to me why I am wrong (My dear friend Girl on the Net has done it several times) in a way that convinces me that I need to look again.
The long and the short of it is that I don’t know many things for sure, but the one thing I do know for sure is that I am not perfect. I like learning things and I like applying that knowledge and that drives me each and everyday of my life and that is true of BDSM and D/s and all things sex as it is of anything else. So I question almost every single aspect of my life every day, the day I stop doing that will probably be the day I have keeled over dead and I am not quite ready to do that.
Not when there are so many things that I have to learn how to get right.