It has been a while since I have written something and to be honest I am not looking forward to writing this. You may know some things, like that I have been very ill, and that Molly and I have taken a break from D/s. Well here is something else that I am going to share.
I have Erectile Dysfunction, a fancy way of saying that my dick doesn’t work.
Now I know what you are going to say, being a Dom, or a man for that matter doesn’t depend on having a working penis. After all, not all sex is PIV. There are lots of other things that you can do. And that is all true, except it isn’t quite the truth.
A note here, when I say truth I am talking about what is true for me and not what is true for everyone. The truth for me is that Molly loves cock, not all cock, but cock as a concept and some cock in particular. That means that my inability to have PIV is a big deal to her and I suspect to kitten as well. The truth for me is that that I feel less of a man not being able to fuck. It is a vicious circle to be honest. I am not Molly’s Dom, so I feel like less of a man, I can’t fuck her so I feel like less of a man, Molly is starting to explore with other people so I feel like less of a man. I am physically weaker after my illness so I feel like less of a man None of this helps with the pressure to perform in sexual situations.
Confidence in your penis and in yourself is one of the crucial elements to having a hard dick so in addition to the purely physical problems my brain is hugely in the way (please don’t offer solutions to this, I am fully aware of the situation and the remedies available) and every other thing just stacks up until I get to the point where I avoid sexual things because the chance of failure is to high and failing will only lead to me feeling worse about the whole fucking mess.
What I would like to say now is that I have come to a place of acceptance about all of this and offer words of encouragement to other people who might be in a similar situation (but I find it unlikely that many other people have fucked everything up quite so thoroughly.) and offer thoughtful insights into how you too can recover from this. But that would be a big fat lie.
I do know that there is no other option going forward but to make the best of the cards I currently hold. I am working at getting stronger. I am trying to rebuild our D/s. I am trying to find a place where I can accept her choice to explore with others and hope that she can find happiness there. I am also trying to do restorative dick work. Trying to clear my head of those things that get in the way so that my body can do its best and failing that figure out how to accept that if I can’t fix my dick, well, that is ok too.
I know that there are some people out that that will take great joy in this post and will feel that this is just desserts for me. I fully expect that our dear friend Wayne will let me know all about how this is just what I deserve and I won’t pretend that it makes it any easier to say, but I have always tried to be honest in all things good or bad and I won’t change that now.