Between a rock and a heartache

So, I am sure you have all read the changes going on in my life. The biggest one is that Molly has fallen in love with someone else. She is off to Miami to spend some time with her new love, as she should as she is starting a new relationship.

And as people have already commented on her most recent post Bitter Sweet Symphony “it’s only fair” because I have Cara. And that is true, well, except for the fact that I have jealousy issues but still they are right it is not fair. But I can’t help how I feel and how I feel is hurt and sad. Profoundly sad, taking anti depressant and trying to do therapy sad. I wish I was the person that could just let her go and do that and just smile. I am, sadly, not that person.

None of this is Molly’s fault at all. This isn’t a new issue or a surprise to me, but I spent a long time being deliberately obtuse. Putting my head in the proverbial sand and hoping that it all would just go away. Silly old man, we all know that never works.

So here we are. Between a rock and a heartache. I know that there are only two options. See if I can bear the pain for the rest of my life, or end our relationship. This is not a choice I even want to make. Now before you flood my comments or Twitter timeline with advice and links to how I can get over my jealousy issues, I have heard and read and researched this for years. I am not looking for your sympathy, not that I deserve any. So send your messages of support to Molly.

Much like her blog is where Molly gets to talk about how she feels and her relationships, this space is mine to do the same. Now I know that no one is going to finish reading this post and think, Ahh I see and understand how Michael feels, because mostly people don’t understand how I feel, to the point where someone asked my why my jealousy didn’t turn me on. I get it, I know that I am the one here with a problem.

I could whine on and on about how I feel but really there isn’t much point. As I have told Molly repeatedly that even if she told me that she would give up relationships with other people it wouldn’t make a difference, she would only come to resent me over time (and she has waited long enough for what she wants) and so I hope she has a wonderful time on her trip, truly I do.

The thing is that I don’t know if I can be the man she needs me to be. And if I can’t and it just makes me sad and unhappy then there is only one course of action. I haven’t made any decision yet, but while I want my love to be happy, I deserve to be happy too but maybe I am not in the right place for that to happen.

Michael

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11 thoughts on “Between a rock and a heartache

  1. Hard stuff.

    Jealousy never feels good but perhaps the therapy will help you get to a place where it’s not eating you alive and can be acknowledged and tolerated without great pain. Perhaps not. There is so much to be said for both of you doing hard personal work around this. I wish you peace, ultimately, whatever that looks like.

  2. Jealousy is hard, avoidance is hard, choosing to change is hard however that looks like. I learned that my difficulties in relationships follow me and it is an act of love to my partner to seek to heal myself. Sending love to you Michael on this hard journey, and hope that may it lead you both to a better place x

  3. I have been taught that jealousy breaks more than you love, or as the saying goes: Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. I know Molly loves you deeply, Michael, and I know this is a struggle for you. I feel it in your words. I have no wise words, but I wish you much wisdom. Like I said to Molly: we all need to be true to ourselves,.

    Rebel xox

  4. Jealous is hard to deal with, it is also immensely destructive to a relationship. I say that as someone who’s jealousy almost tore apart my relationship.

    I truly hope you find a way to move forwards. You all deserve peace and happiness.

  5. I know I said it is only fair to allow Molly to do this when you have Cara, and on a basic level this is true, but I also understand how this will be making you feel. I am not a sharer there is no way on earth I could accept MrH having another woman in his heart or bed, and I am fortunate that he feels the same way about me. I don’t know how you make this work in a practical sense and I don’t envy you, either of you, but I do hope you can find a way to be happy. Everyone deserves that 😊

  6. I wholeheartedly, 100% have been full of support and admiration for Molly as she has shared her recent posts. These topics are hard, and not everyone can wrap their head around these issues and I truly believe not being true to who we know ourselves to be is one of the cruellest things we can subject ourselves too. So I get where Molly is coming from, but as someone who isn’t naturally non-monogamous and constantly wonders in what configurations it will work for me as and when they happen, I totally understand your feelings and thoughts on the matter too. Jealously is brutal, I am still jealous of someone that was in Bakji’s life about 4 years ago, thinking about her makes me feel so many unpleasant things and I don’t suppose he thinks about her anywhere near as much as I do, which makes the whole thing even more complex. Our situations are not the same, but I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘fairness’ in cases like this and just because you have Cara doesn’t make you exempt from having your feelings, they’re still valid feelings even if they’re not ideal for your situation. I hope you find your way to a brighter place soon and I hope both you and Molly come out of this stronger and more awesome than ever before. Floss x

  7. I really love your posts so I thought I’ll check out your twitter handle and it seems that it’s unavailable, I hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself. ❤️❤️

  8. I have had loads of advice on dealing with jealousy. None of it works. I’m not wired to share. And I’ve had many people tell me I suck because I won’t and that there’s something wrong with me because I’m monogamous. You have a right to feel your feels no matter what anyone thinks. And it doesn’t have to be logical or even fair. Of course, so does Molly. The difficulty is decidING whether you can survive together. We have been in a similar situation several times: I can let Him have other relationships and He’ll be happy but I won’t, or He can suppress those desires and He won’t. Currently, we’re dealing…but the”problem” never really goes away. The D/s helps and swinging can mask His needs not being met fully. I feel your pain, Michael. And my heart goes out to both of you.

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