My dear kitten told me the other day that I was thinking too much, and she is probably right. If I could turn off my brain I probably wouldn’t be quite so miserable. My problem is that I never stop thinking, I can be a bit distracted by a good book or a movie and sometimes music. But even then I am still thinking, words and phrases make connections to me, to my life, to the world. I would say that the only time I stop thinking is when I am asleep, but that isn’t true either. I often go to bed with a technical problem on my mind and I wake with the glimmer of a solution.
To me, trying to shut off my brain is only avoiding the things that need to be considered. I know that dwelling on something you can’t change (more on this in a moment) can lead you to an endless cycle of indecision and that has its own pitfalls. Pushing those thoughts away though means that there is never resolution. I don’t avoid cogitating (see, I am thinking that I am overusing the word thinking and so I thought of a different word) on Brexit, and Trump and the rise of Fascism because doing that keeps me from deciding on what to do about those things.
Molly has often complained that when a hard choice has to be made and I tell her that I need to think about it that I am simply avoiding the choice. I am not, it may take me a long time to work through it all but in the end I get there. Perhaps it is because I look at the world differently. There is a prayer that says:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
I have never bought this. There are things that cannot be changed, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. I have despaired at things I feel I am powerless to change, but to meekly accept them is to give in to that despair. So I will be Don Quixote and tilt at windmills no matter how futile that gesture might be. I have to. I know that may lead to bad choices, ones that seem right in the moment but are terrible in the long run. As they say, to err is human.
So thank you kitten for your words and I understand that you say them out of love and care for me and that what you want most is for me to be happy. I know that Molly wants the same.
What is the point of all this you might ask? Well, I need to continue thinking so that I can make the best decisions for me and my heart. To do otherwise would be to deny a fundamental part of who I am. So I will continue to put thought into the things I have done, things I will do and fight to change the things that don’t make my life happy. Whatever form that may take.
Maybe someday I will find wisdom, but that seems very unlikely.