You really don’t want to fall in love with me. I am really bad at it. Maybe not in the way you think though. When I fell in love with Molly I made her the center of my world. She was who I wanted to be with all the time, and Molly makes it very easy to want that. She is frankly amazing. Funny, thoughtful, caring and we just get along so well. Even when we would disagree and couldn’t come to agreement once we finished talking, we just resumed being best friends.
It was good that it worked that way because for the last 8 years we sat right next to each other for most of the day and if you don’t really enjoy the company of the person you are sitting next to that can be lethal. After all, familiarity is said, to breed contempt. But I can’t think of anything that I could do that isn’t better with her right there with me.
Now some of you are wondering how this could mean that I am bad at love. It is because I want that kind of attention returned. Perhaps that is because I have never been first in anyone’s life. In my previous marriage I used to joke it was the the kids, the cat and then me, but I had hoped that when the kids were grown and gone that it would be my turn to be first. Then the grand kids came along and I moved down a ranking. Now I am not so foolish to think that any mom would not put there children first. But when she made our grand kids the center of her attention I knew that there was no chance that the two of us would spend our lives being a couple. Other, bigger things ended our relationship but that didn’t help.
When I met Molly and became her Dom and husband I guess I brought those expectations along with me. That some day, when the kids were gone we would be that old couple that you sometimes see in the world. You know the ones I mean. Where it is obvious that they have loved each other for years and still do. The problem is that having those expectations is a lot of pressure for the people I love. They feel smothered and controlled and that is very bad. Molly has always wanted more people to love, more people to explore sex and passion with. And there is not a damn thing wrong with that. She suppressed those desires for many years, for me. In the end she decided that she just couldn’t do that anymore, and so she made up her mind to put herself first. As she should, my love does not make up for the things she needs.
And maybe I need to redefine what love means to me, to give up the notion that I need, or deserve to be the center of someones full attention. The trouble is that when I have felt like I was receiving that, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I know that Molly needs more and I think I need more too. I am probably wrong and what I want from my partner is unrealistic and I will spend a great deal of time reflecting on that and learning as I go. But when I thought I was the one. It felt so damn good and powerful, just like I had always imagined.
So really, you don’t want me to love you.
Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I’m getting older too