Yep. it’s true.
I Like Vanilla!
I like vanilla in my ice cream, I like it in my cookies and cake, I even like it in my coffee. I would wear it as a cologne if I was a aftershave kind of guy. That is just how much I like this flavor.
I do not however, like it when the kink community calls people vanilla. I understand why kinksters do it, mainstream society is judgemental and frankly has the power to ruin our lives. Being outed as kinky can cost us jobs and families. The portrayal of kink in the media is almost always played with the creepy card “Look, at all the whips we found, obviously they are the criminal” and so it is natural to want to refer to non-kinky people in a way that claws some of that power back.
Aye, but here’s the rub. I personally don’t believe that there are kinky and non kinky individuals. I think we are all kinky it is just that some peoples kink is doing it on a Sunday night in their PJs with the lights out.
We all live on a sliding scale of kinky and at no end of the scale is there a listing called “vanilla”, and likewise there is no end marked “most kinky” because kinky and less kinky are really only a matter of perspective. What I think is perverse and what you think is a normal Saturday afternoon might be exactly the same thing!
One of my favorite expressions that I have learned from the kink world is YKINMKBYKIOK* (Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK) Now this does not mean you have to like my kink, share my kink, or even look at my kink. I am sure there are many that shudder at the things that Molly and I do, and that is OK. You are allowed to think it is icky and gross, you just aren’t allowed to judge us for it. Just like you don’t want to be judged for the things you like.
We are all, each and every one of us Special Kinky Snowflakes and we should celebrate that and not denigrate each other.
So let’s leave vanilla as a flavor and not a term of contempt so I can get back to enjoying it in all it’s many glorious varieties!
*This does not applied to acts that are done where consent is impossible
8 thoughts on “I Like Vanilla”
I hate vanilla, the smell, the taste and the term. What exactly is kinky? I love being stabbed with needles, be told what to do and wear his marks but I don’t feel kinky, I’m just me.
And you don’t have to like vanilla, or even identify as kinky, but don’t you think that there are many who use the term as a pejorative?
I guess I don’t consider the term ‘vanilla’ a negative term. But I do look at it as a divider. I have my kinky life (Sir, the blog, twitter) and I have my vanilla life (kids, work, family). I use the phrase to clarify my audience more than anything else.
But I do agree, the term shouldn’t be used as a negative for those who aren’t on the same kinky plane as you.
Do you separate your non-kinky aspects of your life? Do you even have to at this point? If you say no, I will be completely jealous. 🙂
I won’t say no, but I will say mostly, and save the rest for a post 😛
I do actually think there are some people who don’t have any kinks. I do however agree that using vanilla as a put down should be stopped. After all, vanilla is a complex flavour not the blandness that is implied.
I love how clearly you distill this complex issue. The stigma mainstream western culture keeps fixed on sexuality is so regressive, twisted and sad. If “vanilla” is derogatory, it earned that disdain. I say that as someone who probably falls into the “vanilla” stereotype. I agree with you, though: labels, name-calling, quick judgements won’t help.
The sliding scale you mention reminds me of the post I’m currently working on for KOTW (re: defining “filth”). Your post script about consent is spot on. As I was writing yesterday, I realized the tipping point in The Filth Spectrum is just that — consent.
Can’t wait to read more here!
Like you, I believe there’s a degree of kink in all people.