Whip image for Harm

First do no Harm

I got a comment on my post Marks of Excellence from the lovely Miss J (who I only know from twitter TBH) and was inspired to make it into a post.

Ok, fine, Molly suggested I make it into a post. 😛

Miss J
I love the way you’ve written this piece. Also if I may ask, when you’re doing this, you sound you’re in control, which I think you are. But has it ever been that you’ve lost your composure and actually hurt someone?

Hi Miss J,
Thanks for reading and I want to answer your question by saying that I draw a definite distinction between hurt and harm. Hurting Molly is almost always part of our BDSM, the very nature of it requires that some kind of pain be inflicted, but harm well that is a whole different kettle of fish. Harm causes lasting damage that is bad for everyone involved and if done intentionally crosses the line between BDSM and abuse. When someone consents to be hurt by me that places a great burden on everyone (not just me)to take care so that line is not crossed. Now accidents do and have happened, no one is perfect, but the trick is to know and acknowledge that it has happened, not to ignore it and hope no one noticed. I have had blows of the Cat of Nine Tails miss their mark and she really hates that. Clubs can be dimly lit places and I often have to tell her to be still (she is a wiggler) because hitting a moving target is always harder.
The control you have mentioned is really the key. Molly can let go and know that I will stay aware and in control. That takes trust and that needs to be built. Losing control to the point where I might not know that I am harming her would ruin that trust. So I have some simple rules.

Never play while angry.

Never play when tired.

Never play while under the influence of any substance.

And all those rules apply to the people I am playing with.

So in short, no I haven’t harmed anyone I have played with. I would be ashamed of myself if I did. But if it did happen I would make damn sure to own up to it and learn how to avoid it in the future.

7 thoughts on “First do no Harm

  1. This is fantastic! There’s so much about trust and respect here. And care for your partner. I think the whole piece, but this specifically, could apply to all kinds of relationships, even the non-kinky: “So in short, no I haven’t harmed anyone I have played with. I would be ashamed of myself if I did. But if it did happen I would make damn sure to own up to it and learn how to avoid it in the future.” I love the distinction between hurt and harm as well.

  2. Great post! Thank you for the honest perspective. Never angry, tired or under the influence are our rules too. It just makes sense!

  3. Thank you so much for answering my question! You’ve presented it with the honesty that I really do admire. Hurt and harm, yes that’s quite the distinction I wanted to know more about.

  4. Excellent post and well said. As a D/s couple we are always aware of the chance something can go wrong. And like most Tops if I harmed someone I was sceening with I would be very upset with myself. The rules are the same here, never sceen when tired, angry or under the influence of any substance.

  5. I had an experience years ago with an experienced Dom (25+ years of experience) where he was flogging me and the agreement was no marks (I was with my ex at the time and he did not know I was playing away). I got marked (bruised across my right buttock). He was absolutely gutted and apologised profusely. Whilst going through aftercare he made sure that I was ok and again was very apologetic and provided sound advice about care of the bruising. He admitted that he was tired and that he should not have gone forward with the flogging as had been arranged and assured me that it would never happen again. We met a few times after that and it never did happen again. I appreciated his candour and immediate apology and the situation did nothing to diminish my respect for him as a Dom. Mistakes happen it is how you deal with them that makes all the difference. Great post!

    Velvet x

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