Earlier this week I woke up to him jerking off. Nothing new there, but on this occasion I woke up just as he came on his shirt that was laying on the floor beside the bed. For a moment I just lay there contemplating what had happened and then a huge wave of sadness washed over me. At first I didn’t say anything, yes this is a problem that I am aware of, but I was confused, angry, sad and I was not even really sure why and so I lay in bed next to him and stewed. When I finally flipped back the covers to leave he asked me what was wrong and I told him that it just felt weird, wrong and I didn’t like it. He seemed utterly taken aback by my sadness and anger (he was not alone) and as I quickly found my gym clothes and got dressed he told me that he had done it because I was so fast asleep and he didn’t want to disturb me.
“That has never stopped you before” I bit back and left the room.
At the gym I took my weird emotions out on the treadmill and by the time I was done returned home feeling calmer and with much clearer thoughts on the whole thing.
So we talked. He explained again that because I have not been sleeping that well lately he had decided not to wake me as I looked so fast asleep. I asked why now, because in the past he had definitely woken me even when he knew I had slept badly. He explained that there was no agenda to his decision, that it was just something he had chosen to do in that moment. “I was thinking of you” he said. He also expressed surprise at my reaction and saddened that something which he had done for no real reason had upset me so much. I apologised for my reaction and then I tried to explain.
I am your sub, and a big part of that for me is that you get to use me for your pleasure whenever you desire. That has always been a part of our dynamic, something that we established very early on. I have even said to you that no matter what I say, no matter if I claim to be too sore, tired, ill, upset, etc that I want you to fuck me if you desire, even if you have to hold me down to do so. The only thing that is meant to stop that is if I use my safeword, otherwise ignore my protests and fuck me. I like it that way, I like being your slut and I like knowing that you will take what you need when you need it. It is a HUGE turn on for me and also makes me feel safe and content.
I know my reaction that morning was extreme and if you had asked me before it happened I would have never even predicted it myself but in the moment, it hit a nerve. It made me anxious and sad and doubt myself. Why would he do that? What had changed for him? Did I do something wrong? A classic case over thinking for sure and yet it exposed something for me and hopefully for him too. That his use of me is core to my submission to him. That it makes me feel hot and dirty and sexy and desired in ways that I find not only a big turn on but also make me feel very submissive. I need that from him. Being submissive to his sexual desires and needs is fucking hot to me. If he slides his dick into me and whispers into my ear that he is taking his pleasure in my cunt and I need to make it feel good for him, I will be whimpering and begging to cum myself. Being used is my kink, even if that means pulling back the covers and waking me with your cum hitting my skin, don’t waste that perfect stuff on a shirt. I want it for my own.
He listened, as he always does, and when I was done, reiterated his reasons and we left it there.
On Thursday morning, if you can call 3am morning, I was absolutely dead to the world. So much so that he even managed to turn me on my side and move my leg waking me, but when he pushed his hot hard cock into my cunt my mind emerged from its slumber and smiling I pushed myself back onto him, welcoming him into the heat of my sleepy flesh. He took his pleasure, emptying his balls into me quickly and powerful and then we both fell back to sleep, happy and content. The used and the user, just as it should be.
31 thoughts on “How I feel when I am not used”
I love this, I would have been upset as well
It was silly really as he really meant nothing by it but it really jarred me. However it has been positive because it has resulted in my really thinking about it and us really talking about it and why it is so central to my submission.
I have had similar reactions to this same senario. I don’t know why either. It took me a long time (still not all the way there if I am honest) to get that if he wants to masturbate, it is not a reflection on me. Sometimes he just wants to have that sensation. It is hard that he would choose his hand over using me in some fashion, but I am working on not taking it personally.
Congrats on talking it through.
I totally get the desire to ‘just have a wank’ and if that was what he wanted to do that is cool, but I would hope that he would still involve me, even if it was to just send me a picture of his cum, or tell me about it to tease me. I hope that makes sense
I’m not submissive but I have always told the man I am with that I would expect him to wake me for sex. I felt that sense of disappointment in your post and understand that feeling and need as well. We aren’t joking when we tell them this. I always feel that if we are together, there should never be a reason for him to jack off unless that was apart of the session we were in.
Agreed… unless jack off is done to tease me but as you say, that is still essentially part of a scene.
I have had almost the exact same situation unfold and the same reaction – the instant worry at not being chosen over something so unappealing as his own hand. It hurts, especially if the core of one’s submission is linked to being of use and at his disposal. I’m glad you worked through it, and I do truly empathize. Excellent post as always, thank you.
I don’t have an issue with him masturbating, far from it, I find it hot, what I don’t want him to do is not use me when he wants to because I am tired, emotional, winey, etc That behaviour on my part is something I want him to challenge and push past because I need that line of authority from him
I absolutely understand how you feel. It is something that I have thought about long and hard and it really challenges me. I want to be used. He owns me and can use me. But, for me, if he is really in charge, and I am fully submitting to me, it means also accepting if he doesn’t use me – whether that is by a deliberate choice to cause a response in me, or whether it is just one of those things/times. Although I hate not being used, it does reinforce that my dynamic is not all about getting what I want and making him give me what I want. It does give me a fuck ton of emotions and responses to deal with. I have to tame the put out brat and remember my chosen place.
I am glad you talked about it and your very early morning was made afterwards.
Just to be clear I am totally up for him deciding not to use me but in that case I think he would tell me, it would be a way to tease me and keep in my denial which is different from what happened because he didn’t say, oh I decided not to cum on you but here, wipe my t-shirt on you, or something like that.
God, this resonates so much. I remember once when my ex had come to visit for the weekend, I was working early that morning, leaving him in bed. I spent the whole time at work thinking about getting home and sexing hard.
I got in all hot and bothered from my thinking, only to find he’d had a wank about 10mins beforehand. I was gutted. I was furious. Why couldn’t he have waited for me? He knew what time I got home. I wanted my breakfast of cum. I hated him in that moment, and for a while afterwards. Not a nice day.
He didn’t understand, at all, how that made me feel.
I shared all my orgasms with him. Why shouldn’t he share his with me?
I can totally understand why you would be cross and upset in that circumstance.
I’m pretty sure a lot of it is down to the ideas (however right or wrong they may be to you ladies) that a lot of us guys get persistent social messages like:
“Sex is supposed to be something you *both* want”
“She’s not there for you to use how you like”
“Don’t treat women as sex objects”
“She’s not your ‘scratching post'”
“Initiating unwelcome sex is bad”
“A woman always has the final say in sexual activity”
In other words, our agency is pretty much irrelevant, it’s woman > man every time, and this message seems to be everywhere. Then some women become contemptuous because we lack assertion.
It’s hardly a suprise that we become non-assertive, is it? After all, when a husband can be guilty of raping his wife, that pretty much emasculates our whole gender, by associating assertive behaviour with rape; there’s no clear boundaries anymore. Gee thanks, decades of male sexual angst.
Because we’re not at liberty to pin you to the matress and have our wicked way with you, because *saying nothing to stop me isn’t consent*. The marital rape amendment makes that a criminal rape, now.
Any man with a concience is completely screwed, and not in a fun way.
I agree that societies messages can be confusing, to both men and women in my opinion. However in this case, with reference to us, that is probably not the cause of things. As we have a D/s dynamic the frame of reference for our relationship is well discussed and negotiated. We have a safeword (for many reasons) but one of those reasons is so that we can explore consensual non consent because it is a big turn on for both of us and so in a way, yes he can hold me down and have his wicked way with me, in the full knowledge that no matter what I say or fight I put up, if I don’t use my safeword he knows he can proceed. I would also say, because of our D/s dynamic, he is also able to assert himself knowing our prearranged agreement gives him the authority to do so. I think the key to it all is communication and I think regardless of societies messages if you can communicate well within your relationship and openly explain and share your needs, wants and desires etc then it will help to limit these problems. Which is basically what we did, when something felt wrong I said so, and we explored what and why that was. As a result we know even more about each other.
Molly, this response is one of the most EXCELLENT replies I’ve read in a very long time, especially from a SSC BDSM submissive! Well done.
Thank you Professor
However (and this is a post for another time) I don’t identify with SCC but with RACK
Mmmmm… well, that is a pleasant surprise. I too have more tendencies toward RACK over SSC. Edge-play is almost always my first preference, however, sometimes it isn’t all about me… is it? In public and when speaking about BDSM to vanillas, I always refer to the play as “SSC”. When in doubt or certain the person(s) are unaware or pure vanilla, I speak in terms of SSC. But with my tribe, with my like-minded kinksters and perverts, it is Edge-play or RACK that arouses me most! 🙂
If or when you right that “post for another time“, I’m sure I will enjoy it. Thanks Molly. (tips hat in gratitude)
Apologies. That should have read… “when you write…” not when you right. Grrrrrrr. 🙁
Hi Lee – you say that:
“our agency is pretty much irrelevant, it’s woman > man every time”
And that’s total rubbish. We do get a lot of appallingly bad and mixed messages about sex in our society, but ultimately your list of ‘rules’ that you think have been subsumed could essentially boil down into just this one:
“Sex is supposed to be something you *both* want”
Which is absolutely valid, and applies no matter what your gender or the kind of sex you’re having. To tell people that only women get to decide this is ridiculous and potentially incredibly damaging to young men and boys. The additional ‘rules’ that you’ve included, which you seem to think only apply one way, such as “She’s not there for you to use how you like” and “She’s not your ‘scratching post’” are actually true of all sexual interactions, no matter what your gender. No man is there for a woman to ‘use how she likes’ unless within the confines of a consensual relationship such as Molly’s and Michael’s.
And as for your final ‘rule’ that “A woman always has the final say in sexual activity” – if you think about it for more than two seconds you’ll know that’s not true. A woman no more has the right to initiate sexual activity that a man doesn’t want than vice versa. She simply has the right to refuse sexual activity if she doesn’t want it. A right we all have. Rebecca Solnit put it better than I could, when she was discussing comments made by a writer that “access to sex is strictly controlled by the woman.”
“Dilbert comic Scott Adams wrote last month that we live in a matriarchy because, “access to sex is strictly controlled by the woman.” Meaning that you don’t get to have sex with someone unless they want to have sex with you, which if we say it without any gender pronouns sounds completely reasonable. You don’t get to share someone’s sandwich unless they want to share their sandwich with you, and that’s not a form of oppression either.”
Just to clear up a point, which GOTN seemed to be making above, these *arent* “my rules” (self->other); they are the percieved messages I’m recieving (other->self), if that clarifies where these messages are originating.
Which does indeed make for a lot of confusion and problems, especially in a relationship with a considerable imbalance in fundamental sexual drive. Some of us (points to self, for clarity) are out of luck in that regard, having a degree of sexual impulse very much higher than our partners, which gets consistently met with refusal and disinterest. Which for me has become a problem as years of enforced abstinence have added up.
That’s a crappy way to treat someone you’re supposed to care about, right? Ignoring a basic driving need? Or put another way, not sharing a sandwich if your partner is starving, and you have the only sandwich?
Or, put another way, I have no *effective* sexual agency unless I’m prepared to cheat on a monogamous, asexual relationship. Which is a pretty shitty thing to have to contemplate doing.
While GOTN is absolutely right that we all have the final say over our selves, don’t we have to acknowlede that if we are going to hold our partners to exclusivity, we also accept responsibility for satisfying them sexually ourselves? Aren’t those things indivisible?
[third time lucky, trying to edit/add to what I put below, the board ate the last two tries]
I’m in a committed exclusive relationship, which became asexual on her part, about 15 years ago.
Since I’m unwilling to cheat (its getting much more difficult lately) my *effective* sexual agency is zero, in this scenario.
Yes, I’m patient, but not infinitely so. It feels pretty damn unfair to me, to expect exclusivity and not meet any of your partner’s needs for sexuality. It feels like woman > man, my needs don’t count. At all.
Yes, I did a piss poor job of making myself clear, that one I’ll own to.
I’m so totally intrigued by this whole discussion, because I am so freakishly different from this.
I feel the same way as you. My purpose is to be available for any of his desires and wishes. I think a lot of us take that seriously. We want to be there, to be useful, to be used. I can understand a man just wanting a wank, but I would be very sad if he chose that only because he wanted to let me sleep. It happened one time when I was sick, and I tried not to be too upset, because his reasoning was obviously to be kind to me, but I was still a little sad, because I wouldn’t have actually minded being woken even while sick! Sometimes kindness isn’t what we appreciate most!
Wow, I agree with people above, this is absolutely fascinating and thanks to both you and Michael for discussing it so openly. I have felt similarly before, and had the same wave of sadness if I’ve heard/felt a guy having a quick hand shandy in the bed next to me, but then more recently it’s not something that’s bothered me, and I think it’s because me and my dude have some similar dynamics and I’ve been made to consider the issue a bit more. But it’s a real gut-reaction thing: my rational brain can say one thing and my gut says another. I totally agree with Michael and also with you =D I think it’s obviously no one telling the other one when to wank, but exploring the way that these dynamics play into each other is well worth doing – and now I have to go think on it loads more, and also maybe see if I can catch my OH having a cheeky wank when he’s not planning to jizz in my arse crack, and see what my gut and my brain say.
The thing is I am not against him wanking what I wanted to make clear was that if he wanted to use me then he should. The only thing that I want him to stop for is my safeword, apart from that knowing he will take what he wants when he wants is very important to me. So I think it was the fact that he didn’t do that, despite wanting too, which caused my reaction. I really don’t want people to think I am saying to him, ‘no wanking without me’ because I am not, what I am saying is, if you want me, need me, then do it.
Oh and the jizzing in the arse crack thing made me laugh out loud because he does that to me too.
Ah, sorry – that’s me being clumsy in my original comment. I didn’t mean to imply that you wanted him not to wank without you or anything – I just wanted to express that I get similar sadness, like I would like to be an implement of wanking even if I’m not fully participating in it (or I’m asleep). Also, yeah, you’ve kicked off a fascinating discussion which I need to have with my OH about this because I am curious what he thinks knowing I get that gut feeling.
Incidentally (and probably on a big tangent) I also occasionally get twinges of sadness/anger/frustration/something that’s a teeny mix of all these when he watches certain types of porn. He obviously knows I’m watching him wank, and has picked the porn accordingly. And often the porn he watches is exactly what I’d watch too. And yet I get pangs of hurt occasionally – depending on mood, etc. I’m kind of interested in why that is, because I don’t think it’s healthy to indulge it but I also don’t want to suppress it either. So… hmm… I guess I’ll do what I usually do and examine it in teeny detail!
Ohh this is really interesting. Are you saying that you feel he picks porn that he knows you will like and that if you were not there you feel he would watch something else? I just talked to Michael about this and he says that he feels I do that, I pick stuff to watch (if he is there) that I know will work for him too and that if he was not there I would pick something else. The example would be 3somes. If he is there I would pick FMF and if not then MFM. I had not really noticed that I do it but the moment he pointed it out to me I realised that he is right. He says that he feels disappointment that I feel I have to modify what I want to see for his sensitivity but the honest truth is until he pointed it out I didn’t even realise I was even doing it. Now he has pointed it out to me I will attempt to address it and we will see what transpires. Now look what you did, we just spent about an hour examining this in teeny details!
It’s definitely partly that, and I think there’s also quite a bit of hangover from previous relationships, where I’ve felt like I’m not good enough and so a little bit of self-obsession creeps in. So I think when I get that ‘argh I don’t like this’, then it may be a combination of:
– he likes these other people more than me
– he’s picking porn just because I like it, but what I want to see is what he likes
– what other porn is he watching that he doesn’t want me to know he watches?
– am I not doing the things that he wants me to do?
Which comes back round to ‘he likes these other people more than me.’ Like I say, I think it’s a hangover from the past – I don’t think he likes these people more than me, in my rational brain. But my lizard brain gets shirty and when I try to work out why, I end up in a weird spiral of things that aren’t rational or justified, and which occasionally kill my boner.
I totally get this too – “until he pointed it out I didn’t even realise I was even doing it.” Although I would guess that my OH knows he’s doing it, I think he would probably think me a bit odd for wanting him not to do it, especially because at other times I’ve complained that some of his porn is boring or NMK. Perhaps the main conclusion I need to draw from this is that I am irrational and tricky to deal with. But, you know, I like to think that makes me unique =D xxx
[tried to add this to my reply to GOTN, but the board ate my post, or something]
I’m in a monogamous committed relationship, which has become asexual for a number of years now.
Since I don’t want to cheat, but am not getting my sexual needs met, I thus have no *effective* sexual agency.
What’s really eating me up is this: if you are in a committed exclusive relationship, aren’t you, by implication, taking responsibility for the other person’s sexual needs? Even if their drives exceed yours? I personally think that “yes, I am”.
The message I am getting, however, is something else : it says “tough shit, the shop’s closed for good, have a nice life without sex, doesn’t matter if you don’t like it”.
Which feels pretty damn crappy.
What an absolutely fascinating post and discussion that has emanated from it!