Earlier this week I woke up to him jerking off. Nothing new there, but on this occasion I woke up just as he came on his shirt that was laying on the floor beside the bed. For a moment I just lay there contemplating what had happened and then a huge wave of sadness washed over me. At first I didn’t say anything, yes this is a problem that I am aware of, but I was confused, angry, sad and I was not even really sure why and so I lay in bed next to him and stewed. When I finally flipped back the covers to leave he asked me what was wrong and I told him that it just felt weird, wrong and I didn’t like it. He seemed utterly taken aback by my sadness and anger (he was not alone) and as I quickly found my gym clothes and got dressed he told me that he had done it because I was so fast asleep and he didn’t want to disturb me.
“That has never stopped you before” I bit back and left the room.
At the gym I took my weird emotions out on the treadmill and by the time I was done returned home feeling calmer and with much clearer thoughts on the whole thing.
So we talked. He explained again that because I have not been sleeping that well lately he had decided not to wake me as I looked so fast asleep. I asked why now, because in the past he had definitely woken me even when he knew I had slept badly. He explained that there was no agenda to his decision, that it was just something he had chosen to do in that moment. “I was thinking of you” he said. He also expressed surprise at my reaction and saddened that something which he had done for no real reason had upset me so much. I apologised for my reaction and then I tried to explain.
I am your sub, and a big part of that for me is that you get to use me for your pleasure whenever you desire. That has always been a part of our dynamic, something that we established very early on. I have even said to you that no matter what I say, no matter if I claim to be too sore, tired, ill, upset, etc that I want you to fuck me if you desire, even if you have to hold me down to do so. The only thing that is meant to stop that is if I use my safeword, otherwise ignore my protests and fuck me. I like it that way, I like being your slut and I like knowing that you will take what you need when you need it. It is a HUGE turn on for me and also makes me feel safe and content.
I know my reaction that morning was extreme and if you had asked me before it happened I would have never even predicted it myself but in the moment, it hit a nerve. It made me anxious and sad and doubt myself. Why would he do that? What had changed for him? Did I do something wrong? A classic case over thinking for sure and yet it exposed something for me and hopefully for him too. That his use of me is core to my submission to him. That it makes me feel hot and dirty and sexy and desired in ways that I find not only a big turn on but also make me feel very submissive. I need that from him. Being submissive to his sexual desires and needs is fucking hot to me. If he slides his dick into me and whispers into my ear that he is taking his pleasure in my cunt and I need to make it feel good for him, I will be whimpering and begging to cum myself. Being used is my kink, even if that means pulling back the covers and waking me with your cum hitting my skin, don’t waste that perfect stuff on a shirt. I want it for my own.
He listened, as he always does, and when I was done, reiterated his reasons and we left it there.
On Thursday morning, if you can call 3am morning, I was absolutely dead to the world. So much so that he even managed to turn me on my side and move my leg waking me, but when he pushed his hot hard cock into my cunt my mind emerged from its slumber and smiling I pushed myself back onto him, welcoming him into the heat of my sleepy flesh. He took his pleasure, emptying his balls into me quickly and powerful and then we both fell back to sleep, happy and content. The used and the user, just as it should be.