A penis and a wank

It’s My Penis and I’ll Wank if I Want Too.

So yesterday Molly wrote a post How I feel when I am not used. And lovely people commented (some comment in my Twitter DM to remain anonymous) but it seems that some people might have taken away something more than was intended. Take a moment to read the comments please. Here is the the Twitter DM comment

I understand Molly’s feels on this subject. My ex husband (not D/s) used to masturbate when he was angry with me (which was often) because he knew it hurt me. I know this is not the same situation, but my feelings of hurt at him choosing his hand over me/not sharing it with me are the same. His lack of respect and continued deliberate actions to hurt me were immature and, eventually, ended the relationship. I am also very interested in your perspective. Your feelings of thinking you’re doing the right thing by letting her sleep, but inadvertently hurting her. I like that you share that side because even with good intentions sometimes we can trip over an unexpected trigger. Glad you were able to discuss this as a couple instead of falling back on the perception that the D is always right over s. We can’t always get things perfect in relationships, but respecting a partner and listening will minimize the trip ups.

Now I get what they are talking about here, that your partner masturbating can feel like a rejection of you. That they would prefer to make themselves orgasm rather than have sex with you. Molly and I talked about what happened and how it made her (and I) feel and then she wrote her post.

I will reiterate here that my only intent was to not disturb her sleep and while that caused unintended hurt it was indeed with the purest of motives.

Since May is National Masturbation Month I think it is a good time to say this.

I will jerk off whenever I damn well feel like it. Just like Molly can (as long as she asks permission, we are D/s after all). Now since I am a considerate Dom, even if that goes wrong from time to time, I have taken her feelings into account and now that I know what it means to her I will find a way to incorporate that into our sexual relationship. But that is only because I choose to.Β  Not for any other reason. I don’t ever need to justify having a wank.

Nor should I have to and I should never has to feel guilty about it. Through the long years prior to having met Molly I have had tens of thousands of wanks (I don’t have a wank log so you will have to take my word for it) and I have had them for as many different reasons. I spent over a decade on the road away from my partner where I would jerk off when the sexual tension built up. I have had a wank when I was home and she didn’t feel like having sex. I have had a wank because I was bored and just felt like it, and you know what, all of that was okay. I am sure that most of the world has a sneaky session that their partner never knows about and in most cases I am fairly certain it does no harm. Yes, people can be mean and thoughtless and use it to avoid having sex and that is not cool, but that isn’t the case here.

But the only rules about masturbation that I need to adhere to are the ones that Molly and I negotiate, and the only rules you need to follow are the ones that work for you and your partner(s)

Michael

P.S. I always say that she is the one with the talent and her post proves that yet again, she is a much better writer than I am… that can be very annoying πŸ˜›

Note from Molly.

I just want to be clear that I was not dictating wank rules to Michael, nor was I intending to make him feel shamed or guilty about what happened. I was expressing how, what happened, made me feel so that he could better understand my reaction and making clear my needs and desires because otherwise my reaction that morning would have been far likely to make him feel bad. By communicating my feelings I have actually done the opposite and created a better understanding on both our parts about how I feel about this subject. If he wants to go and have a wank I am OK with that, even if he didn’t invite me along for the ride so to speak, it is after all his penis. In fact him doing that and telling me he is choosing to deny me would probably be a frustrating turn on to me but I needed him to know that if he wants my body for his pleasure then I fucking well want him to take it because that is a big part of my identity without our D/s relationship.

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7 thoughts on “It’s My Penis and I’ll Wank if I Want Too.

  1. Wow. This is an interesting dynamic. It’s gotten me thinking. I think a blog post is in order.

  2. I love that you both are bringing this out in the open for discussion with each other and with all of us. It’s helps us examine our own feelings about masturbation, which has long been a guilt trip for anyone involved in a religious culture.

    I grew up hearing the women never touched themselves.. for any reason, much less for pleasure. I remember hearing that boys who jerked off would go blind, grow hair on their palms (and then everyone would know their sin) and ultimately burn in hell.

    Girls were not suppose to even acknowledge their body parts, much less look at them or (gasp) touch them. Legs must always be closed, knees touching, a lady never spreads her legs for anyone, until she properly married and only then does do so in the name of duty and babies and never should enjoy it.

    This is what I learned as a kid and young adult. The damage that this mentality has done to people is enormous. People are slowly learning that masturbation is not a sin and it’s a healthy outlet that all people can and should enjoy. But those old teachings die hard, and I think when women see their guy masturbating, they feel they are enjoying sex without them. Do men think the same thing when they see their lady masturbating? I’m not getting that impression, at least not as much.

    If we don’t know what gives us pleasure, how can we let our partner know what we enjoy? Masturbation is one of those ways to learn what feels good and what gets us off. There are many ways to have sex, if we can see that masturbation is one of them, then maybe we can start to heal all of that guilt about it.

    This discussion could be great therapy for all of us. Thank you for sharing your own thoughts and feelings.

  3. It’s my penis and I’ll wank if I want to.
    You would wank to it if belonged to you!
    …………….
    To wank or not to wank.
    That is the question.
    …………….
    A wank a day
    keeps the doctor away.
    …………….
    I could go on, but I’ll spare you. I will say that I had a significant other who thought masturbating was actually cheating. His strange (to me) take on that did not stop me from masturbating on occasion, here and there, once in a while, whenever I damn well pleased.

    Then one day I walked in on him masturbating and found myself extremely jealous. Which was odd, because of my own self-pleasuring and the fact that jealousy had never been a factor in our particular equation–even casual flirtation were taken in stride, hardly to bat an eyelash it.

    We had “the talk,” with him just incredulous at my “double standard.” Something along the lines of “what’s good for the gander is good for the goose.” I, too, was surprised by my double standard and really had to examine why I was being so unfair and lopsided about the entire matter. What was up with me?

    What finally realized — and I still believe this, a fair amount of time later and past that relationship — that the crux of the entire matter was that I never (ever ever ever even for a moment) believed masturbation was cheating. He, on the other hand, deeply believed it was. That when you were with a woman, your penis entirely belonged to her. Per his preference, I even referred to his penis as “my cock.”

    So the bottom line was … he *was* cheating because he actually, morally and deeply, believed masturbating was cheating. I, of course, never did.

    So he was guilty, I was innocent. I was pure as the driven snow. *bats eyelashes*

    Much love to both of you. πŸ™‚

  4. From the Anonymous Twitter Commenter
    Another great post. My husband definitely masturbates. It does not bother me. It was the deliberately hurtful spirit of it that bothered me with my ex. I also masturbate … sometimes alone, sometimes in front of my husband. (I like that best!) I also liked Molly’s suggestion of you marking her when you cum. Wank on, my friend … we’ll do the same. πŸ™‚

  5. My partners masturbating has never bothered me. I consider regular masturbation part of a healthy routine for all parties. What has bothered me is when my partner masturbating has been used to shame me about my sexual performance. I’m working on a KOTW post on masturbation and will cover all this in more detail.

    I do understand how Molly feels in the context of your relationship and her submission. I *get* how the being of service aspect works for her and is important. As usual I love how you two discuss and listen to each other and then make turn it into something that works for your dynamic and appreciate how you share with all of us. Much to be learned all of it.

    xoxo

  6. I think how you talk about this issue, and knowing the person you are addressing, is so important.
    For me, because of how I think and how our relationship has worked now and in the past, an “I let you sleep out of kindness” explanation would make me sad, and feel like I had failed by being asleep and inattentive (as dumb as that sounds when I write it). Whereas “It’s my penis and I’ll wank if I want to” , is a perfectly reasonable and natural thing and would leave me thinking “Well, of course” and not feeling bad at all, except maybe if I was super horny and missed out on a sexin’ it up opportunity.

  7. Molly’s writing is excellent but so also is yours Michael.

    This and the previous post highlight how extremely important communication is to a D/s and indeed any relationship.

    The ability to be able to open up to you significant other(s) and discuss an issue. So incredibly important and so very often overlooked.

    Again, thank you for allowing the rest of us to witness and benefit from your dynamic.

    What you are creating here is a powerful insight into the truth behind what is D/s for you as a couple but also guidance for those who may be new to BDSM.

    Velvet x
    RACK on! πŸ˜‰

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