I am fascinated by the act of what appears to be self denial on a Dom/Top’s part. I think it is a common thing and something I have asked Michael about which tends to answered with something like, I will take what I need when I need/want it…. which is seriously hot but still does not allow me into the headspace during those moments when he chooses not to take
Mollyxxx
It turns out that Molly is closer to the answer than she realizes. The key is in the line “during those moments when he chooses not to take” because that is what happens, I choose not to take.
Dominance for me isn’t a suit of clothes that I put on when it is time to play, it is intrinsic to who I am and is something that influences everything I do. That means that there is no headspace that I go into when we play, but rather a part of me that comes to the fore. It is a different part of me, not that part that is always looking for the snappy or clever comeback or pun, but a much more analytical part. When we are in that moment I am simultaneously focused on her and at the same time completely aware of my surroundings. Absorbed in what we are doing while at the same time planning what to do next or even discarding those plans when something occurs to me because of a reaction she has made to what I am currently doing. It is an oddly detached while concurrently completely involved state of being.
Right then, when I am doing those things, being that part of me, it is often not the right time for me to satisfy myself sexually. She might not be in the right place, it might not suit the scene, it’s just not the moment. Now don’t get me wrong, there will be times when it is, to break her and abuse her, and then throw her on the floor and fuck her senseless.
Often though it is better for me to wait, cool her down, wipe her brow, dry her tears, tend to her wounds, cuddle her, love her, and bring her back from where we have been. Once that is done and she is restored then it is time. Now it isn’t about her pleasure but all about mine, just for me, so that she knows she is just a hole for me to use and that each thrust reminds her of what I have done to her, reminds her that she is just a receptacle for my lusts. That now, it is all about…
What’s in it for me.
P.S. All of this is about when Molly and I play, it does not cover when I “stunt arm” for someone else, I do derive pleasure from that as well but is more on par with what a craftsman feels when finishing a great piece of work, pride, satisfaction and the sense of a job well done. While I do feel connected, it isn’t at the same kind of level that I feel with my sub, my love, my Molly.
Awesome answer. I was thinking about asking my rope partner to write up his response, as I’m curious about that as well.
I think it’s hard sometimes to see what the other side gets out of things. I lack any real degree of physical sadism, but I’m I am a fairly experienced “stunt arm” as you put it. I jive well with the comparison to the craftsman, as I derive no sexual enjoyment from service topping, but I take satisfaction in possessing that skill with enough prowess to be sought out to teach that skill on occasion. I’ve actually taught nearly every top I’ve played with regularly, but I don’t derive the same enjoyment that they do because I don’t possess the same desires.
I sometimes develop a habit of feeling bad or the need to overcompensate because I don’t understand the other side and subconsciously feel they are getting the short end of the stick, simply because I find sadism and dominance so damned exhausting to practice. But I think the misunderstanding can often go both ways.
You do have a very unique perspective that in many ways is very different to mine, while I am being the stunt arm while I might not get the same satisfaction as playing with Molly, I do “understand” the attraction, I am not sure I could play if the act wasn’t intrinsically something that I enjoyed. Thank you!