Collar for Protocol


This is another in the questions put to us on twitter. I have decided to call these

Ask This D/s Life a Question: Protocol

Today’s question comes from the amazing @rubygoodnight (seriously go give her and @theemgoodnight a follow)


Your & Molly’s ‘protocol’. Or lack thereof

Any of you that know me, or follow me on twitter might know that I am not a big one for doing what other people do. I have several reasons for this:

A) I have a problem with authority

2) I have a problem with ritual

III) I have a problem with conformity

£) It has to be fun

So let me touch on these points (stop giggling you) after a brief discussion about exactly what protocol is.

According to

A protocol is any defined, enforced code of behavior, and or rituals whether it be within the confines of a particular group, community, or other interpersonal dynamic (such as a power exchange relationship).

Protocols are a set of governing rules that dictate the body, behavior and attitudes through an enforced code of behavior and/or rituals whether it be within the confines of a particular group, community, or interpersonal dynamic.

Gosh that sounds fun!

£) And I am very sure that to many people it is, but to me it sounds like I have joined the Army and that is not my idea of fun even if I am in charge of the Army. To us D/s is a fun part of our lives. One of my favorite things is when in the middle of a very intense play session Molly starts to laugh (I have asked her why and she has no idea at all) and when she starts laughing so do I! For us, all of what we do is about joy, even when I am being horribly mean to her.

III) There tends to be (Certainly on Fetlife) a lot of “If you aren’t doing it this way, you’re not doing it right.” That is never going to fly with me. I don’t care how YOU do it, I care that it works for Molly and I and you shouldn’t give a damn about how we do it. I have never understood why people flock to an alternative lifestyle that breaks all the rules and then immediately start making new rules. I am not of course talking about rules for playing safely, I am talking about rules for our dynamic. What works for you might bore us to death, what works for us might not give you what you need, it doesn’t make any of us wrong, just different.

2) I have a problem with ritual

To many people ritual brings structure and peace of mind. They know that if they follow the rituals all will be well, and while Molly does need structure to keep her on task and doing what needs to be done, most rituals don’t provide the flexibility she needs to live her life each day.

I have a personal problem with ritual that I thinks stems from my earlier life as a Catholic (I was an Altar boy if you can believe it) and if Catholicism teaches you anything it is mind numbing ritual repetition. I spent most of my time in Church trying to stay awake and even now many, many, decades later I can give the call and response for Sunday Mass. Stand, Kneel, Genuflect, Sing, repeat. I found that instead of bringing me comfort and comprehension all it taught me was boredom and apathy. I think that anything you can do without thought becomes thoughtless and devoid of meaning. So I will never do the Spank, Count, Thank You Sir that you so often see. It doesn’t work for me and I know it doesn’t work for her.

A) I have a problem with Authority. This will come as a surprise to no one and its impact on our protocol is that I can be obstinate and difficult (that distant sound you hear is Molly rolling her eyes at the understatement of that)  So if someone comes along and tries to tell me what to do I am most likely to do something not all like I have been told. Teach me, sure, show me what you do, fabulous, but tell me what to do and I am likely to think you are an ass.

Ok, I have just wasted a lot of your valuable time telling you what we don’t do for protocol, how about a tiny little bit of this post dedicated to what we, well, do.

Molly must wear her collar every day, exceptions are often granted for laze around the house on a Sunday in a onesie days.

Molly must call me Sir. Once again, this doesn’t mean she sometimes doesn’t call me Michael, if she is trying to get my attention in a crowded store, shouting “Sir!” is likely cause most of the men to turn around and look at her (not that she would mind that) and perhaps, not get my attention.

She is expected to do as she is told when I give her “The Look”

That’s it! Nothing else, nada, zero, zip.

There are lots of tasks and and challenges I set for her, but they are spontaneous or a result of something I can see she needs help and focus to accomplish,  things like putting away her hairbrush or doing more fiction writing. These are not something I see as being protocol and I know she doesn’t either.


P.S. After I wrote this Molly remembered that she had written a post on this very topic around two years ago. I find it sweet and heartening that our posts are so very similar. Seems like our protocol is working just fine.



2 responses to “Protocol”

  1. I have a major problem with the condescending bollocks on that website *growls at submissiveguide*

    Fuck sake, people are still people, still allowed emotions and feelings and to be fucking human, not a fucking robot.
    Nothing grinds my gears more than having someone preach about how it should be….

    D/s is such a personal experience, I fail to see how 1 set of rules can possibly apply to such a wide variety of people and situations.
    Oh, and Fetlife’s Twue preaching can kiss my ass too!

    1. Lol I complete get your attitude to both of those sites, but I use what I want and disregard the rest 😉

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