The amazing and talented Charlie left me a comment yesterday (Why don’t you try it? It doesn’t hurt) on the blurred lines of kink. Let me quote her directly
So, I’m not sure if you’re taking post suggestions, but if you are, one of the things I’d be really interested for you to write about is how all kink seems increasingly to be labelled as BDSM, whether it is or not. That silly BDSM quiz for example, asks loads of questions about whether you’re a voyeur or exhibitionist, monogamous or not – all things which aren’t BDSM, right?
And she does have a point, that often things get a bit mixed up. It is about Taxonomy and would you believe that after a googling I could not find a chart for the classification of kink. I did briefly think about making one, and sure that would be new fresh content and I would be the first, which is a rare thing. I very quickly reconsidered.
No matter how I organized it I would get it wrong. Kink would be at the top, but would Bondage go under BDSM or alongside it? We would be arguing over it for years to come.
But Charlie is right, the quiz wasn’t solely about BDSM, it mixes D/s, and Poly, and Swinging and a few others. Not that there is anything wrong with those kinks, but they are not BDSM. It is interesting to see the kinks that often get bundled with BDSM practices and sometimes they can be a kink within a kink as it were. For example since Molly belongs to me it is often assumed that I will “lend” her to other people and while that would get her off (with the right people) it doesn’t work for me and assumes something about our D/s relationship that isn’t true (for the moment) and many people have monogamous D/s lifestyles that would frown at the mere suggestion of such a thing.
You know the acronym YKINMYBYKIOK? I think it might need work. How about YKINMKAWMNSTSCOKBIINTWCBSD? (Your Kink Is Not My Kink And We Might Not Share The Same Combination Of Kinks But Isn’t It Nice That We Can Be So Diverse) What do you think? Yeah, probably not.
Here’s the thing, we all do what we do in our own way and very seldom is it the same as it is shown in the wider world of twitter, Fetlife, or books. So I am sorry that my version of BDSM isn’t like the Story of O or frankly any other depiction. To be quite honest as far as I can tell even the acronym is a bit indefinite.
Bondage and Discipline (B&D)
Dominant and submissive (D/s)
Sadism and Masochism (S&M)
While I don’t mind blurred lines and I am happy to blur some to make the relationship that works for us I do try to keep in mind that while all D/s is Kink, not all Kink is D/s.
5 thoughts on “Blurred Lines”
Your and Molly’s relationship mirrors ours in quite a few ways in that we don’t confirm to the perception of what D/s is “supposed to be” and to be honest so what, what works for one is never going to entirely work for an other. We are all so different and therefore so is our kink, D/s, M/s, S&M or B&D, they are all as individual as the person(s) in the relationship.
I like reading your posts as, from what I’ve read, your D/s relationship mostly sounds a lot like ours. I know it shouldn’t matter, and i shouldn’t constantly compare myself against others, but it’s reassuring to read about similar interactions.
Although we’ve been together for years, we’ve only recently stumbled across the social media side of things and the sudden deluge of ‘rules’ was a bit of a shock! As someone who likes to do things the right way, I was initially upset to think I was so ‘wrong’.
So long as it’s SSC, everybody’s way is the right way, isn’t it? To them, anyway. I suppose it’s only wrong when you’re dictating to others what the right way should be.
We do this 24/7 so why can’t we laugh through everything? What if I’m not entirely sollom when he’s spanking me? Why should I have to count? Why can’t I hop about swearing at him because it hurts? How the hell is giving oral something a Dom should not do?! Isn’t TFTB just communicating needs?
I like the fluidity of what we do – do we need to label it?
Yes, the old “different strokes (and licks, etc) for different folks.” I’m no expert. I guess we are all trying to get a handle on all this. Good shares!
I am impressed by how quickly you respond to questions – though I beg to differ on your claim that it doesn’t hurt 😉
Thank you for writing this – I’m not sure why or even if the blurring of labels really bothers me – I think I’m really just quibbling over the fact that that quiz should have been called the ‘Kink quiz’ instead, nit-picker that I am!
For that taxonomy, a starting point might be the diagram that Katherine Gates put together in the book, Deviant Desires. Unfortunately the associated website is no longer online, but other copies of the chart can still be found, with one of them here.