This is yet another post that has been brewing for a while.
I read a tweet about consent that sent me to this post Counterfeit Kink Communities this was a little while ago, but then I read some tweets today that brought it back to the top of my mind. And so instead of socializing with my friends at the munch I am typing this out on my phone.
Now according to the post the kink community/collective/socialgroup that Molly and I lead is inauthentic and it seems that we are merely predators looking for our next victim.
We have a lot of people who come to our munch and have been coming for years who don’t use their real name because they can’t, there are jobs and families and a thousand other reasons why people need to remain closeted. It would be lovely to live in a world where your kink isn’t a liability to your life, but sadly it still is. This does not mean you can’t form real and meaningful relationships with these people and by saying that a community is inauthentic because we all can’t be open is disingenuous at best.
We (and others we know) run munches and events for no actual benefit to ourselves. We don’t make any money and devote a great deal of our time to create a place where people can go and for a brief while be among people who understand them. To say that we lead (and I hate that expression, I am not looking to lead anyone) to gain political power is to cast aspersions without any knowledge of who we are and what we do.
I do not claim that the kink world is without fault. It is full of fault and bad actors and we must all work together to try as best we can to keep each other safe and to speak out when we see something that seems wrong and if we see violations of consent, talk to the parties involved to find acceptable resolution. But the (our) kink world is an informal grouping, there are no defined roles and responsibilities. Molly and I organize the munch and play host and hostess and if needed step in if there is behavior outside the expected public norm. But we are not the self elected arbiters of the relationships and play that the munch attendees arrange themselves. We can’t be. We have the munch in a public venue, people can come whether we wish them to or not. We are not the kink police. We rely on the fact that everyone who attends wishes to behave in a way that brings respect and honor to the environment that we are trying to create and that those who would disrupt that would find themselves the participants of a frank talk.
So far we have never had an issue that has not been managed by this and I thank our lucky stars that hopefully we never will. But to claim that we are not a real community would be a disservice to all the people who work and plan and attend and TALK about all the things that being kinky means. Including when things go wrong, and even when people do wrong.
If your think your community is inauthentic, well, perhaps you need to build a better community, but if you become the one in charge won’t that make you the one seeking the power?
You can feel free to hold me accountable for my behavior, but not as a “leader” because I am not in charge of anything but the relationship that Molly and I have negotiated. We try to show what being a D/s couple means to us in hopes that others can see something of value is the standards we try to apply to ourselves. The circle of friends and acquaintances that we have made are dear to us and we treasure each and every one of them.
I am sorry that the writer of the post feels the way that they do. I wish that everyone could have the experiences that I have had. And perhaps we are just lucky that nothing has caused the kind of problems she writes about. But if it does I can’t help but feel that working together we will find a way to resolve it without having to build some sort of justice system for the kink world.
I get very nervous when people start suggesting ways to form a hierarchy to present the rules to those who wish to be part of the kink world.
I think we can do better than that. But then maybe I am just saying that to keep my (non-existent) power.
P.S. I could write several thousand more words on this and I probably will in the future, but it is late and I am home basking in the glow of friendship from my inauthentic community.