So we have been talking about a lot of things lately (I know, surely we must be bored of all this communicating) about porn and wanking and fantasies. All of this led to this post that has been brewing in my head (my thoughts often need to percolate) for a while. What I want to talk about is when our fantasies and desires don’t mesh.
We are all different people and we all want what we want. Many of us find a partner where the overlap is greater than the areas that don’t match, but no match is perfect. So what do you do when your partner has desires that you don’t share?
Molly wrote a post about her fantasies earlier this year Filthy kind of girl that details some of the things that turn her on and while we do have a great deal of overlap there are some that don’t work for me at all. But that is perfectly okay, because that is what fantasies are for. They are a place to explore these thoughts safely without fear of consequence. We try them on for size in our head and find out if they work. We might have seen them in a porn video or read about them on a blog and sometimes they just leap into our thoughts like a gift from the sex fairy. But those thoughts can make us uncomfortable, I shouldn’t like this, we think. This is dirty, bad, wrong, illegal and we shame ourselves. So we keep them hidden. We often hide those fantasies from our partners for fear of what they might think of us. That can even extend to those intimate moments when we are exploring with each other. Sometimes I will tell Molly to find and watch some porn she likes and I noticed that when I was watching as well she would often reject clips that I knew spoke to her kinks. Not that I think it was a conscious choice but she did it all the same. We were talking about it last night and she realized that I was right.
I am not upset with her, that would be ridiculous, but I was disappointed that even subconsciously she felt she needed to hide her proclivities because of my presence.* I don’t want that. Molly likes the thought of being with other men (no, probably not you) and having MMF or more. Maybe even having a Poly relationship while I find these things difficult (and not just a little difficult) even though we have been monogamish (favoring my proclivites) in the past.
So what do you do when your partner has fantasies that you don’t share, or maybe even turns you off?
I will often describe scenarios that I know will get her excited. Being used by me and that others are watching and waiting to take their turn. Sharing her with another man and many others along those lines.
I have managed to find a way to enjoy that she is turned on and that works for me. That the words that I am saying is like reading her a story. Like listening to audio porn.
So our Venn diagram is not a complete overlap, but I am not sure that there is anyone who matches completely. What matters is what we are willing to do to bring our partner not just sexual satisfaction, but to help them realize the desires that they have.
It is important to me that Molly knows that I need to know just what she wants, just as I need her to know what I want so that nothing is hidden. Because how can we push our circles closer together if we don’t know where the edges are? I certainly don’t want to find ourselves in a place where we start to resent each other over unexpressed needs, so the only thing to do is, talk, and talk, and talk. Even if those talks are painful, and even if that leads us to very different Venn diagram.
Because I know if I don’t try, I won’t have been the best version of me that I can be for her.
P.S. My other title for this post was “Venn a Man Loves a Woman”
*Note from Molly. I really was unaware that I was doing this. It was not a conscious choice but when he pointed it out to me I think he is right. It is not all the time and sometimes I do it because I know he is watching and so I want to find something that will get us both off but there are also times when I am looking for just myself and I have chosen to skip over something that I think might not be his thing if he is there. I am not even really sure why, maybe somewhere in my head I am trying to protect him and maybe he is right, maybe no matter what we do there is still a slight subconscious fear that something we like will turn off our partner so much that it will effect how they feel about us.
4 thoughts on “The Venn of Desires”
Venn A Man Loves A Woman – I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for that. 😀
I think you’ve skimmed the surface of some very deep waters in this post, and that often we are afraid to dive into those waters for fear of what monsters lurk in the deep.
I keep things from my spouse. Much like Molly’s porn filtering, I do the same with fetishes and fantasies, because… Because why? Even as I ask myself this, I don’t have a clear answer. Is it because I know he’s not interested in some of those things? Or because I fear his reaction/rejection? Because I push him – hard – already, and I don’t want to upset the balance? Is it a matter of my own vulnerability? Not wanting to explain? Not knowing how?
I’m not sure.
Yet some beautiful experiences have come from my “putting it out there” – either because he finds a way to embrace it, or takes his newfound knowledge and applies it in a way that’s comfortable for him (much like your using Molly’s fantasies for aural pleasure).
I actually find it much easier to discuss my sexual desires (the ones he and I don’t share) with new lovers and friends than with my spouse. But then, on the other hand, there are things I will only discuss with hubs, that are off limits everywhere else. Not because of a superimposed rule, but because that’s how I *feel* about it.
It’s all a rather strange dichotomy, I think.
Hi Mrs Fever,
Indeed this is a topic that could fill an actual book. I’m not sure I am the guy to write that, maybe Molly could 😉
I am sure this is an issue we will revist
I have to say Michael & Molly, I’ve enjoyed immensely the last recent posts — particularly the masturbation, self-pleasure post — and now this one. The raw humanity of discovering new things about each other is definitely exciting but just as easily edgey, unchartered territory! Familiar and “To Be Determined”… both should be encouraged and sought, in my humble opinion. Michael, I especially admire your courage to not have ANYTHING hidden between both of you. Bravo!
I feel it is perfectly fine — again, IMHO — for partners/spouses to have individual seperate preferences, kinks, and fantasies (to be fulfilled?) that may not include your partner/spouse. Just because there is a BDSM kink (any sort of relational desire/need for that matter) that a partner/spouse doesn’t prefer, or due to indifference doesn’t perform “the scenario” well, it should not mean the Dreamer/Seeker goes without indefinitely. On a planet of 7.4+ billion people, strictly from statistical probability, there is an extemely HIGH chance that hundreds likely thousands of others could fulfill the kink, preference, unrealized fantasy not only superbly, but beyond expectations! In my opinion, 1 out of 7.4+ billion are ridiculous odds that only one single person can fulfill all of another person’s dreams, desires, needs, etc., for a lifetime. In this post you and Molly are in essence implying that. Nevertheless, let’s reduce this equation to a more ‘realistic’ regional or national number: 1 out of 64.5 million (the population of the U.K.). Or in my case, 1 out of 27.5 million (Texas population), are still ridiculous odds that I am the Be All every waking hour for one single female! And vice versa. And if one is strictly heterosexual, even halving those numbers, the odds are still ridiculously unfavorable (unrealistic?) that one person is the Be All for another person… for a lifetime! (chuckling) So…
For me personally, the big payoffs consequently come from two sources: 1) thorough self-awareness of wants/needs, and 2) articulating that self-awareness to a Lover/Spouse while also listening to and understanding another’s wants/needs — all through raw, proactive, articulate communication. Easy, right!? HAH!!! (laughing) It isn’t as difficult when Lovers understand that most success and perfection is achieved through failures and imperfection. A delightful, fun and fluid paradox!
Which brings me to my final point — everyone can cheer now (wink).
Most all (if not all) people are complex, unique creatures that are constantly evolving, learning, expressing, and ever CURIOUS… all to varying degrees. With so much in fluid-flux, and in certain instances situations unknown, then having, gaining and giving more patience, wisdom, flexibility, discernment, introspection, and articulate expression… is a pure goldmine in human interaction, especially very intimate interaction with a Lover/Lovers!
Great post and topic Michael and footnote Molly! Thank you.
Sometimes reading yours and Molly’s writings has me feeling like I’m looking in a mirror and seeing myself and M.