You may have noticed that I like puns and funny titles. I do, I like to laugh and I like to make other people laugh along with me (even if they are sometimes laughing at me) and I like to show that to us D/s as much as anything else is about fun.
But not today. Today I want to talk about what it means (at least to me) to be Dom.
This is stuff I take very seriously. I have agreed to be part of a negotiated power exchange and I have exactly as much responsibility to hold up my end of this agreement as she does.
Welcome New Dom/Domme or sub
We are excited to have you as a new member of the thrilling world of D/s relationships. No matter if you have found us through Fetlife, Twitter, Facebook, other social media, or even “That book” we are glad you have decided to come to the darkside (the cookie thing is a joke, sorry about that) Consider this your orientation guide. While these are not hard and fast rules you should consider that choosing not to follow these guidelines can have a serious impact on not only your ability to be a respected part of the community it will also reduce your desirability in the eyes of the subs you seek and in extreme cases lead to legal issues and even incarceration. These guideline are applicable if you have been a Dom or sub for seven minute or have been doing this since dinosaurs roamed the earth.
The following list has been contributed by members of the very community that you wish to join.
Dom/me Best Practices
It is your responsibility to obtain informed consent from your potential submissive not just once but on a regular basis.
You can give yourself a title but reputation is earned.
It is your responsibility to look after your consenting sub’s well-being in ways that have been negotiated.
If you only make your sub feel bad about themselves this is called emotional abuse and not D/s*
Domineering =/= Dominant
Aftercare is a must. We give you the Gift, Respect it.**
Ask and show don’t tell
You please your sub with domination just as they please you with submission; that’s invaluable.
Work with your sub and push them but DON’T disregard them in favor of YOUR needs, that will destroy EVERYTHING. Patience has many rewards.
Dominant is not a synonym for arsehole.
The sub matters, their wants and needs matter even if they are the subbie.
It is not unDomly™ to ask for advice or help. It is unDomly™ to let down your sub because you didn’t ask.
Be true to yourself, don’t feel pressured to conform with the porn fantasies
Submission is different things to different people. Just because a sub wants you to hurt them doesn’t mean verbal abuse is OK.
Calling yourself a domme doesn’t mean I will submit to you. You have to earn that. It is NOT the same as following your commands!
Being “Dom” doesn’t mean being an asshole. In fact it means quite the opposite.
I would rather have the “normal” guy w/Dom traits & a good heart than the “Dom” without one.
Dom/me and sub Best Practices
Talk! Then talk some more, communication is important!
Every day is a new day to learn something new. Don’t stop growing and learning about yourself.
Trust comes before power exchange. Not the other way around.
If you can, take a 101 class. It’s a great way to try things in a safe environment and to meet like-minded people.
Go to a munch, listen and learn while you are there.
Listen – really listen. With eyes as well as ears.
It is a marathon not a sprint. And you will hit bumps, turns and even new destinations along the journey.
Talk, all the time, when you think you’ve talked enough, talk some more.
Don’t presume you know ANYTHING, ask questions, of your self, your partner and your community.
There are no rules except those created by you and your sub, and those are changeable when necessary. You make your own journey.
Communication before and after each activity will give you the confidence to know you’re doing it right and will also help to refine things to make them work better for both of you.
Sub Best Practices
Take your time. Learn what you really like, and what works for you. Don’t try to impress people by jumping into more than you can handle, because you think it’s expected. Submission doesn’t mean giving up consent.
Ask and watch first, keep your head and make friends with more experienced subs.
You’re important in the relationship, too! You shouldn’t feel like you’re just a side story in your dominants life!
Try to understand the mechanics of how your submissive nature works for you because otherwise you are at the mercy of a manipulative person.
Educate yourself and be honest about what you’re really looking for.
Know your limits, they are completely legitimate, expect them to be respected.
Not allowing contact with friends or family.
Anyone who tells you that you are not allowed limits.
If they want to collar you right away.
Someone who does not listen to what you need or want.
If they always find fault even in successful tasks.
Someone who claims they have nothing to learn about BDSM
Someone who convinces you that you are the one who has failed, every time.
Demands constant and immediate contact no matter the circumstances.
That you should be lucky to be their sub, no one else would have you.
Anyone who says to you, if you are really sub you would (insert demand here)
Remember the wise words of Benjamin Parker (Peter Parker’s Uncle) “With great power comes great responsibility” When you take on a sub, or even a bottom (or a Dom, or Top) they are putting their trust in you. The things we do come with actual danger, both emotional and physical, be very sure you know what you are letting yourself in for before giving or accepting submission. So in brief:
We of the BDSM community would like to thank you for your interest and hope that you find the information provided helpful. Please remember that as big as the world seems, it is smaller than you think and if your behavior wanders into abuse, you will be called on it!
*The only exception is a very carefully negotiated type of humiliation scene that as a new Dom or sub we would not recommend until you are SURE you can handle it.
** Submission as a gift can be a contentious issue, I personally completely get it, YMMV
P.S. I know I said I was going to be serious, seems that is a goal I need to work on 😉
P.P.S. I’d like to thank everyone who so kindly and thoughtfully answered my call for suggestions. You truly amazed me with your helpful and well considered suggestions, if I missed your tweet I am sorry and if I edited your tweet to be less specific and you don’t like it, well I am sorry about that too. I would have credited you all but I am well over a thousand words already and I haven’t even really scratched the surface of this very complex topic. Rest assured we will revisit this subject.