I have spent most of my life thinking that I am like other people, or that they are like me. I may have been wrong about that it seems.
What am I talking about? I am talking about casual D/s. This is not to be confused with Topping, or what I like to call being a stunt arm, that I can do on a transactional basis provided I am comfortable with the person I am doing it with. So if you want me to hurt you that is not out of the realm of possibility, now don’t take that to mean I will hurt just anyone, after all even I get to say no if it doesn’t feel right to me.
But I digress as always. What I am talking about here is D/s, that I can’t do without involving my heart. I can’t imagine agreeing to take a role of power in someones life that deeply without loving them. I am sure others can do it, but I can’t. In order to do what I see is the right thing for those in my care I need to be deeply involved in their lives and they need to be just as deeply involved in mine. With Molly and kitten I have to be so closely enmeshed with them to know what they need, sometimes even when they don’t know themselves, it takes a great deal of time and thought and effort not to mention the fact that kitten is in the US, and does shift work so while we spend as much time together as possible it is limited.There is also the fact that most punishment has to be deferred until she is once again here with me.
Hopefully some of you understand how I feel about how I do D/s and you might think that since we are doing poly that we could expand the circle of D/s to encompass many others. And that should be how it works except that I have a fundamentally fatal flaw.
When I love you it mean that not only do you get my love, you also get my jealousy. If you are new to this blog and my rambling works you might want to go read Painful Truth to see just how destructive that jealousy is. It is not a little thing to deal with, not for me or for anyone who wants to have a relationship , hell I know plenty of people who would tell me to fuck off with my One Penis Policy, and indeed I wouldn’t blame them. I am stunned that Molly and kitten put up with it at all.
I know how my jealousy impacts me and those I love and I know that it is not just something I can leave alone because it won’t get any better on its own and it will certainly cause harm to the relationships I already have and any that might come along in the future. I am always working on it but if it was an easy fix I would have sorted it out years ago.
All of this means that I am very careful about who I have a D/s relationship with. It would be unfair to restrict someone from other explorations, I am lucky that the women in my life have stuck with me while I try to do better.