Here is a painful truth
I have a problem.
I am not good at sharing, well, to be honest I am a generous and sharing man. Do you need help moving? I will be there. Do you need something fixed? I can do that! Need advice or a shoulder to cry on? My ear and shoulder are always available Do you want my wife? Whoa, hold on there a minute Bucko.
I am a jealous man.
I am not proud of this fact about me.
We have always described ourselves as “monogamish” which to us has meant that we are a couple who mostly only play/sleep with each other. I am completely Ok with her having a girlfriend, even if that is a separate relationship to ours. The problem I have is with other men.
Molly is very good at sharing, she doesn’t mind if I do BDSM play with someone. She, in fact, likes to watch me have sex with other women (not that there have been many) and I find that a turn on. So what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Sadly that is where things get tough for me, in so many ways.
Molly is a gorgeous, sensuous, smart, sexy amazing woman, frankly I don’t understand how I got so lucky, and I completely get why others would find her as wonderful as I do. She also loves being desired and desirable (who doesn’t) loves to flirt, and she has never been a believer in monogamy. I love her as she is, I love that she is a self avowed slut, and I love her openness towards sex and relationships. I don’t want to change her one tiny bit on any of those things. If we found the right person she would be right on board with a MFM (or more)
But for whatever reason (and there has been much discussion and introspection as to what those reasons might be) it makes me lose my little mind. My heart pounds, my head aches and I am overwhelmed with a sense of fear. Logically I know that she loves me and would never leave me, but emotionally that helps not one tiny bit.
That brings me to the double whammy, I then feel guilty for keeping her from the things that she desires, from experiencing all that life has to offer her, because how could more be bad?
So here I am gentle reader, trying the best I can to be a better person to the woman that I love, all while feeling bad that I have trouble with what should be a simple thing.
Caught between a cock and a hard place.
P.S. I have listened to podcasts on jealousy, read hundreds of post as well as several books on the topic of jealousy so it isn’t like I am just accepting this flaw, I’m not. I have even made some small strides at stifling that little voice inside me that screams MINE!
17 thoughts on “Painful Truth”
This actually just made me cry. I’m nodding along to this and you’re pretty much describing me.
I want to be able to explore alone but that means I need to be able to let him do the same. I love watching him with others but taking the step of going alone I feel left out and unwanted. I know crazy and fucked up all at the same time. It doesn’t bother him at all but the guilt I feel tears me apart!
And like you I’ve read the blogs and listened to the podcasts too, I know the theory I just can’t do the practical!!
I hoped that the the sharing of my issues might at least show others that they are not alone.
It made me cry, as well. I think you’re brave to be so honest about it and it makes me admire you and your relationship all the more x
Well I don’t think I am brave, but maybe I can be brave in the future.
It’s monsters all the way down. If I may be so bold, and overly metaphorical, *don’t* stifle that voice that screams “MINE!” Let it rage.Listen to it. Stare it in the eyes. Lock horns with with it. Know the beast and know it’s you. It’s different for everyone, but it might not just be fear of loss or fear of not being good enough to keep. It might be anger that, despite everything that you know and understand and love, and even accept, she still deigns to be with others. We all know we have irrational sides, and in my experience there is no excising them. There is at best understanding them, recognizing them, and giving them space to be inside me. Forcing them shut, or pushing away, only pushes them somewhere else inside you where they may leak out in unforeseen – and unfortunate – ways.
In the classic way, naming your demons give you power over them, and for some of us, power – over oneself first and foremost – is the key to everything else.
Thank you Raz for a very thoughtful and well stated comment. I do know that I am the one that needs to change and that the process will neither be easy, nor quick. But I will carry on. Thank you again
SilverDom linked me this, after we had a long conversation over scones. I’m in the opposite state. I want him to feel free to play with others without me there. Me being there isn’t really an option because of my illness. But since he can’t give me the same permission (even theoretically), he isn’t sure he can take me up on my offer. He thinks he’d be okay with me playing with girls, but I’m unfortunately about 99% hetero, so that’s unlikely.
I suggested that if he did Sadodom play only, without sexual organ contact, that might make these inner psychological lurgies quiet down. He says maybe as a co-dom with an established couple, he could do it. And that’s where it’s been left for now.
Emotions are a hard thing to manage, this is a tricky area for many, not so much for others. I wish you well on your journey.
My husband is the same way, so much so that I’ll share this with him. Thanks for sharing
I hope that it is at least helpful that he is not alone in his struggles.
I have always been a very jealous person, until I met Master T. Somehow my jealousy just disappeared. I worried when we started playing with others, worried that my jealousy might return. Until the one playdate where a woman sucked him and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. One of the biggest gifts Master T has given me is to allow other men to fuck me, and of course me being with other men. The one ground rule is that we are always together, so I will never have a date with another man without him being there. And that is just the way I want it, because it is something we share.
I’m not in the position to give you advice, but admire you that you are reading about it, that you are making progress and want to make progress and not just slamming the door on this. Thanks for sharing.
I am glad your relationship with MasterT has made things better for you, thank you for your comment
Ah yes, those bright emerald eyes which flash in defiance, I know them well, I see them reflected back at me every time I think of Sir with another.
For me, it’s not something I could ever accept and be okay with…..it makes me feel physically sick to imagine it, and yes, it’s based on a foundation of insecurity, and also a very possessive and protective nature. He is MINE, and I don’t share, certainly not in a sexual context.
I could maybe, only maybe, watch whilst he played with another as long as it was purely play, no sex involved. I only really get to experience his sadism through sensation, I only get glimpses of what it looks like, and even then I’m usually so lost in what he’s doing that those glimpses lack clarity. I want to know if he looks as beautiful as I imagine he looks, I want to see that intensity in his eyes that I know is there, I want to see the waves of energy emanate from him, those same waves which floor me and make me feel small in his presence.
Yes, I think I could do that, but him, his cock, his physical attention, that’s mine, and I will not, despite our D/s dynamic, relinquish control of that.